One Liners

Patient: "I used to smoke crack every day. Now I only smoke three times a week!"
Resident: "Well sir, if there's one thing we like here in internal medicine, it's progress."

Patient: "Baby girl, you need a boyfriend to give you kisses and caresses."
Me: "Okay, sure. I'll look into that."

Patient: "How old you are, girl? Why ain't you married? You a playa?"
Me: "Enough about me, are you currently sexually active?"

Patient: (calling out from her stretcher in the ER hallway to a 3rd-generation Vietnamese American intern): "Chinese, chinese, chinese! Chinky!"
Intern: "Um, I was born in Atlanta."

Me: "Sir, do you use any drugs?"
Patient: "Drug-free, sweetheart. One hundred percent drug-free. Drugs kill girl, you know?"
(urine tox screen positive for cocaine, cannabinoids, amphetamines)